I once asked my dad about his taste in music and if he liked the country singer Dolly Parton. “She has nice tits,” he said.
Though my father seemed at times flamboyantly obsessed with sex–openly boasting about pornography videos he owned–he did see more in a woman than merely sex. At his funeral, a couple remarked to me, with palpable gratitude, that he saved their marriage. He was a psychologist who specialized in marriage counseling. That said, he certainly overlooked Dolly Parton as a musician and even at 16 (I think I was) I found my father’s comment degrading and disrespectful.
That incident happened over a decade before the #metoo movement gained serious traction with the arrest of Harvey Weinstein in 2017. But it’s worth thinking about the many men who had and still have such a mindset and what can be done about it.
Not all men can shift such fundamental perceptions of women but many can and we should try.
It might help if we can distinguish the difference between embracing sexuality and succumbing to hypersexuality which is clearly a factor in the trove of reports that women are subject to all kinds of sexual misconduct which we are inundated with.
I cannot help but wonder: have we–maybe some of us unconsciously–interpreted the sexual revolution as a kind of license to oversexualize women? Have some men used it as a rationalization for their lack of self control?
Have I ever looked at woman in a way that suggested I thought she was my private pin-up girl? I hope not, but in light of all I’ve learned in the past two years about how pervasive the degradation of women is in our society, my feelings about attraction have become conflicted.
On the one hand, it’s impossible for us not to see and look at each other if we are to interact socially. And sometimes we just can’t help but feel that spark of fancy and attraction. But the instant that becomes more than an internal experience, for example, looking at a woman in a way that instantly conveys objectification is degrading and disrespectful. It overlooks the fact that she has a soul worth knowing and that you do too.
Seeking insight on how to distinguish “good lust” from “bad lust,” I spoke with Mercer and William Paterson University professor of sociology Michael Prohaska. “I would not try to differentiate ‘types’ of lust,” Prohaska said in an email. “Lust has too much of a negative connotation, balance lust the negative with desire the positive.”
I like that. “Desire as opposed to lust.”
Desire is the experience of appreciating a woman’s sexuality. You can keep it to yourself, and if you interact with a lady you happen to desire, your desire does not move you to treat her like a mere fantasy. You treat her like a person.
In contrast, lust diminishes a holistic view of a woman, and increasingly sexualizes her to a point of dehumanization. This is the realm in which sexual misconduct flourishes.
In a society where men and women of various sexual preferences are increasingly open, where orgies and masturbation are depicted in Netflix shows, where exhibitionist pornography is a click away, the difference between amorous desire and toxic lust–the experience of sexual attraction versus the experience of dehumanization–needs to be reiterated.
Let us not exploit women who embrace their sexuality and look sexy. Women should feel free to be sexy without men blatantly ogling, flaunting their lust, or thinking of sexually liberated women as “sluts.”
As Professor Prohaska said to me, there’s a “sexual double standard, which is used as a social control to stigmatize women who defy the patriarchal agenda….men are players…..women are sluts.”
He reminds me, we still live in a patriarchy.
The patriarchy exploits our female friends, partners and family members. The very least we men can do is ask ourselves, the next time that woman walks past you, and you turn to look at her, moving your eyes up and down, are you merely gazing, processing your desire internally, or are you staring, gawking, probably making her uncomfortable. If the latter, realize it’s wrong, and stop doing it.
Oh, and for the record, Dolly Parton has won nine Grammy Awards, released 42 top 10 country albums, and had 26 songs reach number one on the Billboard country charts. Let that sink in.
