This holiday season will look a little different than normal, and as any good holiday host knows, you’ve got to have a party plan that doesn’t include panic Pinteresting in a TacoBell parking lot waiting for the nearest Party City to open the morning of your big day.
Because we don’t do that, here’s a foolproof guide to hosting our virtual Thanksgivings this year.
Start with the basics. Constriction breeds creativity, but also muffin tops. So throw out all of your non-stretchy pants. No one’s going to see you from the waist down anyway. Because this dinner will be virtual, gather all of your phones and tablets to use as placeholders for people’s Zoom calls. Prop them up against the worst holiday gift you’ve ever received; at least you’ll finally get some use out of it.
You’re still going to want to set the table to keep the Thanksgiving atmosphere alive. Lay out turkey-hand placemats, fall toned dishes, and cornucopia centerpieces to block the screens of people you don’t want to see. You can still give them a show!
The green screen’s the limit this holiday season. Set your background to the rolling hills of Ireland, a tropical getaway, or just loop footage of Dr. Fauci explaining the importance of mask-wearing for any family members that may need an extra reminder. His speech also serves as a great background noise when dodging personal questions from your family.
When all else fails, remember the mute button is an option, but use the power wisely.
Since we can spend less time this Thanksgiving running emergency exit drills from the QAnon cousins, we can pour that energy into something equally chaotic: the food. You may be hosting a gathering for 12, but you’ll be cooking for 1. Skip the whole turkey and cook things you’d actually want to eat.
Go right for all the comfort foods in the comfort of your own home, and don’t let anyone judge you.
Last we checked, Oreos and Red-vines are still vegan, so pretty much anything goes. But remember that single-serving portion sizes are smaller than you’d expect. Buy a single ham steak instead of a whole round, or a single packet of instant mashed potatoes instead of a whole box.
If cooking is not your thing, now’s your chance to buy a fancy dinner, plate it, and pretend it’s yours. No one will know. Your family may think it’s suspicious that you’ve suddenly become a culinary guru, but you can fake your death and flee the country long before they ever make you replicate the dish in your own dumpster fire of a kitchen.
Most importantly, remember to be extra kind to yourself this year. Holiday blues, COVID concerns, and existential dread go hand-in-hand. There’s nothing wrong with crying into a half-eaten bag of Doritos. And just in case you do buy twelve-too-many cans of cranberry sauce, here’s a list of Mercer County food banks that could pass extra goods along to a family in need.
Stay safe, wear your mask, and have a Happy Thanksgiving from all of us at The VOICE.
