At 18 I married my first true love that I had been with since I was 15. Being raised Pentecostal Christian had engraved in me that having sex outside of marriage was wrong, and since I was already having sex, getting married was what seemed like the logical thing to do.
The moment I graduated high school, I knew that I wanted to go to college. I made sure it was known to my husband at the time that yes, I was going to be a wife, but I was still going to be a college student. I had so much excitement and drive during my first semester at MCCC and was an “A” student.
However, as the responsibilities of a household piled on once my ex-husband lost his job, I no longer thought of school as something to focus on or be grateful for. Instead, it felt as though college was just getting in the way of my “real” life. I began to withdraw from classes and even fail classes. My GPA tanked. I lost my financial aid.
At 22, when most students are getting ready for their college graduation, I was barely holding on to the dream of completing even one class at community college.
After many attempts to pass English 102, I figured it was time to take a break and let go of my college dream.
During the time after my divorce, I quickly lost myself in another relationship. This relationship became abusive and started a cycle I struggled to get out of for several years.
One night, while crying myself to sleep, because I felt scared to leave his house, I realized I had to make a drastic choice.
I went to a therapist. Although I had previously been in therapy, this time was different. I realized the biggest issue I was facing was that I did not love and value myself. So, I made a choice to start loving myself and life again. I wasn’t sure exactly what that meant, but I started making small changes to create a new environment that I could be proud of.
I chose to be open to meeting new people and doing different things. I stepped outside of my comfort zone and went to a concert with people I didn’t really know, which led me to sign up at a gym with a personal trainer. I began waking up earlier. I learned about meditation.
All of these small changes started to fill my mind with more positivity. I added daily meditations.
Even when I did not truly feel it or believe it, I learned to tell myself, “I love you and you are perfect because you are alive in this moment.”
Throughout all this, that high school dream of earning a degree still lingered. I realized that I had to return to school in order to fulfill that dream and grow that self-love.
So I set that intention in my heart as a new year’s resolution in 2019.
Coming back to school at the age of 25, post-divorce and post an abusive relationship, while dealing with anxiety, was one of the scariest choices I have ever made. I had to face my fears and past failures head-on.
Now, I was not part of the “traditionally” aged population of college students. I was so insecure because of all the years that had gone by after graduating high school, combined with the truth of my GPA and withdrawals and fails on my transcript. The voice in my head filled me with self-doubt.
I had no idea how I would pay for school, or what I would even study for. I thought I had too many bills to have a crazy dream, that I needed to be realistic, maybe go to a trade school or earn some type of certification to help me grow in my job as an administrative assistant.
There was no real plan. I had learned before that my plans didn’t always turn out as I hoped.
But as I kept up my fitness, meditation, and personal development, I slowly began to develop confidence again and decided to sign up for a class that had defeated me so many times, English 102.
Walking across campus this past August, I felt as though I was seeing MCCC for the first time. I was so grateful to be walking into a classroom again that I got there early and sat right in front of the class, which was the total opposite of what I would have done at 18 or 19 years old.
Another student, Laura Hernandez, who was 27 when she came back to Mercer to study Education, told me “I was scared…I was just scared of having to be committed.”
This was the same fear I felt when I registered for my class. However, in the midst of my anxiety and my self-doubt, I had a whole new focus and drive and knew I had to do things differently this time.
Melissa Rosen, a former Mercer student, who came back to college at 30, is now in graduate school at Temple University and explains that being an older student, “You take it more seriously, you focus more, it’s not something that you feel you HAVE to do. It comes as a priority and it goes to the top of your to-do list…I wish I was more focused when I was at 19, but I was just not.”
Talking to other students who have gone through it has helped a lot. I recognize myself in their own descriptions of anxiety and of determination.
I realize I am who I am now, and I know what I know now, because I am older and have learned to view things in a different way through the lessons I gained after high school.
College for me now isn’t just something I feel is the next step, it is my redemption and hope, for which I am so grateful.
