I never knew so many people had a crush on the green M&M’s.
I did know that some people had one, a hazard of the job when your first gig out of theater school is as a dancing chocolate candy in the heart of Times Square. I was once an M&M.
It’s a thankless task that involves taking pictures with tourists, doing “the wobble,” and fighting off kids who try to gnaw through your suit during their class field trips. All this for the deliciously low cost of your soul and minimum wage.
There’s more training than you’d think to be an M&M; you don’t just roll in one day and throw on a shell. There is choreography to learn and consistent movements to perfect. What is “Mellow Yellow” without his dazed and confused hand shaking? Or “Cool Blue” without his finger guns?
Each character requires their own emotional development. A certain je ne sais quoi that makes each one so marketable, so family-friendly.
And then of course there are Green and Brown. The ladies.
Green is “flirty,” and Brown is “sassy.” You were encouraged to play it up. You couldn’t get too sexual, and you should never touch anyone, but there was a lot of hip shaking, bashful cheek touches, and blowing of kisses.
And this is where things get sticky.
The Mars company has given the M&M’s characters an overhaul. The redesign includes swapping out Green’s go-go boots for sneakers, and increasing her face time with Ms. Brown – the only other female on the squad.
The new emphasis on female friendships and sensible footwear has tipped some chocolate lovers over the edge.
Tucker Carlson rallied his viewers on Fox News saying: “M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal. When you are totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity.”
Tucker Carlson can suck my peanut M&M’s.
Playing a dancing piece of candy is mostly fun and games. I mean yes, the suits were gross, but it was delightful getting to dance along with customers and make a kid’s day with a high five.
But the tone would shift quickly when some random dad decided he was really into the meet-and-greets. All of the sudden he would want a one-on-one photo, would literally throw his kid back to his wife and wrap his arms around the character suit. That’s when things got uncomfortable.
Now, if you had a good handler, they would get them off you asap, or never let it happen to begin with. But sometimes your handler is an 18 year old kid who just wants to be on their phone, which means you are on your own, with limited mobility and vision. You could only move as fast as your flimsy little go-go boots could take you. It could be scary in those moments.
While wearing my foam go-go boots and shimmying in my Green shell I heard a steady stream of skeevy quips “You can melt in my hand and my mouth!” or the ever charming “I like the green ones–they’re supposed to make you horny!”
It would not shock me if Carlson is out on 42nd Street right now pawing some former coworker of mine trying to get one last grope in before it’s too late.
Carlson is a proponent of sex-driven marketing where women exist to please. They should be hyper-feminine and alluring, as easy to look at as it would be to wrinkle up your candy wrapper and enjoy a few extra bites.
I know from experience that this pursuit of lip-licking goodness projects itself off of the ads and out into the world where the social dynamics regarding female behavior are shaped by what is marketed to us. That’s exactly why this new redesign is such a good thing.
Let Ms. Green wear the damn sneakers.
The actors will appreciate it. They will appreciate fewer purring innuendos being made into their foam covered ears.
And your daughters will appreciate it. After all, Ms. Green will have a friend and your daughters will see friendship reflected back into their own social spheres.
And, most importantly, you will appreciate it because somewhere in your heart you know it was insane to sexualize candy in the first place.
